Writing a Great Sex Scene
Congrats! Your characters are ready to have sex! That means it’s time for you to write the sex scene.
Writing sex scenes can feel awkward and scary to write. The first time I wrote a sex scene, I had a couple of drinks to loosen my inhibitions. I won’t suggest that as a way to write a sex scene, but you should make sure you’re feeling comfortable enough to get into the headspace to write sex. Writing sex scenes is vulnerable because sex can be a vulnerable act.
However, at the end of the day, a sex scene is just like any other scene. It needs to have a purpose in the story, have an arc, and unfold in a way that makes sense for your characters.
With that in mind, let’s delve into how to write a great sex scene.
Side Bar: If you’re feeling a bit weird…
If you’re feeling a bit weird about writing the sex scene, I suggest taking a moment before you start writing to think about why. Are you worried about your parents reading it? Do you wonder what people with think of your preferences based on the scene? Are you just not familiar with writing them?
You’re going to have to work through how comfortable you are with your parents or family members reading at some point. You have options—like writing under a pen name or choosing not to include sex scenes—but for now, put your family to the side and figure that out later.
What people will think of your sexuality based on your sex scene can also be scary. That’s also a fear you might need to delve into with a professional (a therapist not an editor), but what I can tell you is that your reader probably won’t make assumptions about your sex life if they’re invested in the characters and swept up in the moment.
Third, if you haven’t written (m)any sex scenes, it’s time to read a ton in your subgenre! That way you can get a feel for what’s typical and expected.
First, decide why the scene necessary.
I love a spicy scene even more than the next person. The books I read tend to have many explicit sex scenes. However, those scenes still serve a purpose to the main plot. An amazing sex scene has stakes and makes you feel the tension with the characters.
In The Long Game by Rachel Reid, one of the sex scenes happens after the two main characters have played a hockey game against each other and finally get to be alone in the same room together after three weeks apart. The scene shows how each character has been desperately missing their partner in the way they greet each other and how frantic they are for each other. There is hardly any foreplay. However, despite the sex being frantic, rough, and hot, the scene’s purpose is to show how much they’ve missed being able to connect, how much the distance is taking a toll.
So why is your sex scene necessary? Hopefully, you’ll have an answer as specific for your characters as the one above, but here are some general purposes for sex scenes:
To show the progression of the relationship
In many societies, there’s an idea that there are steps to a romantic relationship that coexist with a linear path in a sexual relationship. (Think of “rounding the bases,” where first base is kissing and a home run is penetrative sex.) Of course, that’s not the way all relationships work. Nor should they.
However, sex can be a way to further connect with a partner and to express the vulnerability required to further the relationship.
To show another way for the characters to relate to each other
Your characters have many aspects to their relationship and many things they both like and dislike. Sex can be another way for characters to connect.
To show problems in the relationship another way
Not all sex is good sex. That’s okay. Much like in other aspects of life, different people have different wants and needs. Sex can be a place for your characters to explore how they deal with conflict.
Regardless of where in your book the scene falls, make sure it’s there for a reason. And make sure that reason isn’t just because your characters are horny!
Next, structure your scene.
Just as every scene needs a purpose, every scene needs an arc. Luckily, sex itself has an arc, but you need to make sure your scene has an emotional arc as well.
Let’s take a look at the structure of a sex scene and the example mentioned above. We’ll use the scene I mentioned above from The Long Game as a case study. It’s the scene at the end of Chapter 11 for those following along at home.
Scene Structure/The Natural Arc of Sex
**Note: This arc is the one traditionally scene in media and in life, but it is not the only way to be intimate. There are ways to use this format even if you’re not writing penetrative sex and there are ways to subvert it if you so choose.
Initiation
Someone introduces the idea of sex. This could be by flirting or by being suggestive. Sex that comes out of the blue for one partner isn’t sex. It’s assault. So make sure your characters both know what’s up when one person introduces the idea.
Half the fun is in how the other character responds anyway. Were they thinking about sex too? Is this a welcome surprise?
Case Study
In the scene I mentioned from The Long Game—the scene at the end of Chapter 11 for those following along at home—the characters text as Ilya takes a cab to Shane’s house. Shane is impatient and frustrated that Ilya’s not there already. Ilya says, “You seem a bit horny.” To which, Shane replies, “I’m fucking dying.” And the game is on. The idea of sex has been initiated.
Foreplay
This is the transition from accepting the idea of sex to getting into it. The tension builds here—both physically and emotionally. Tell the reader about what excites the characters here? What is escalating both with their bodies and their emotions?
Case Study
The foreplay in this scene is mostly played out through text messages. Ilya asks Shane to get ready for him and Shane replies he’s been doing that. Both Shane and Ilya are on the same page about what they want to happen, which excites Ilya and he asks for more details. That Shane has been not only thinking about this but also preparing for it is enticing and meaningful to Ilya.
He also reflects on the fact that as a committed couple, they get to have different kinds of sex, but the light sub/dom roles they sometimes fall into is especially meaningful. It’s something special that speaks to their connection.
The Sex
Things start to ramp up here—whether or not your characters are having penetrative sex. The characters are feeling it and things are hot. Let the reader know how and why this is good. Has one character found the right erogenous zone or rhythm? Do the characters feel like they’re both getting something good out of this?
Case Study
The sex itself—as I mentioned before—is frantic and desperate, which mirrors how they feel when they finally get to see each other after being apart for so long. It also illustrates their relationship dynamic in general. Ilya teases Shane for being good at time management before things get more real and honest.
Sex allows them both, but Shane in particular, to be in the moment and strips away any inhibitions or expectations of what it means to be a pro hockey player.
The Climax
Everything is at its peak here. The emotions, the physical sensations. It’s overwhelming and blissful. Bring the reader through that. Know that this is but a moment in the scene, but let the reader know how good it is and why.
**Note: This doesn’t have to be a physical orgasm if it doesn’t work for your characters. There is more than one way for someone to get what they need out of sex.
Case Study
Shane and Ilya’s climaxes are dirty, impulsive, and possessive. Due to their positioning and Ilya’s split-second decision, Shane gets covered by ejaculate.
It feels intense and incredibly intimate. Especially when you consider that Shane generally doesn’t like messy things, but this is a moment where that doesn’t matter to him.
After
Don’t forget about what happens after. Aftercare is important both in real sex and for your reader. How do the characters feel now? Has something changed in their relationship? Does that scare them? Excite them? Has this reinforced something in their relationship? Alternatively, has this caused a problem in their relationship or in the story?
Case Study
Despite the sex being fast-paced and dirty, the moments after are tender, with Ilya cleaning up and taking care of Shane. They end up lying together. Their actions are so automatic and natural, the reader can tell they both feel like everything is right in the world when they finally get to be together.
To sum it up
Writing a sex scene can feel scary because society has some hang-ups about sex, but when you get down to it, a sex scene is just like any other scene. It needs to be there for a reason, and it needs to have an arc.
Hopefully the structure I’ve outlined above will help you write both the sexual beats and the emotional beats of your next sex scene.
If you’ve got some thoughts, come join me over on Instagram and let me know!