Tips for Writing Sex Scenes

Photo by Dainis Graveris on Unsplash.

Last week I talked about making sure that your sex scene has a purpose and how to structure it. Make sure to check it out if you haven’t. This week, I’m giving you all my tips on writing sex scenes that didn’t make it into that post.

Once you have your structure and your why, you’ll have a great setup for your scene. However, there are some other things you should be thinking about when writing, like how detailed you’re going to get with your language, how the sex is going to be unique to your characters, and how much you want to play into realism vs. fantasy.

So let’s dive in!

Know how detailed you’re going to get.

There’s a range of how graphic you can be in a sex scene. Some authors are comfortable writing every detail and some prefer to leave most of the visualization to the reader. We’ll discuss different levels of language in a moment.

What’s important is that a sex scene is much like a fight scene. There’s choreography; there are limbs all over the place; and not every thrust matters. (Sorry!) If you’re the person fighting in a fight scene, you don’t actually catalogue every movement your opponent makes in logical detail. You’ll experience a series of blows that happen in a blur and notice one or two of the hard hits. Not only is this how most people’s brains work, but it also helps with the flow of the scene. You don’t want to bore your readers by listing a series of events that have no consequences.

The same is true for sex. The big moments need to be the centre of attention, while the rest of the smaller moments are grouped together. This preserves pace and flow. Even if you’re going to be detailed in your language, remember to explore important moments more thoroughly and allow the other ones to be part of the atmosphere.

In the example scene I used last week (at the end of Chapter 11 in The Long Game) Shane and Ilya’s sex scene lasts nine pages, and there are maybe six sentences dedicated to thrusting, while there’s a page dedicated to the climax, another dedicated to aftercare, and a couple dedicated to foreplay. The amount of time dedicated to each part of the scene is not proportionate to the amount of time it would take in real life. You’re going to dedicate more words to moments that have emotional impact.

As for language…

It all depends on how long your scene is and what you’re comfortable with. Some authors will use euphemisms like centre, and core to refer to vaginas, while other will use pussy, and cunt. It depends on who the characters are, the tone of the book, and the author.

Float Plan by Trish Doller

For example, a book that has one sex scene that is there to show the culmination of the couple’s love will probably use fewer curse words than a book with several sex scenes where the characters have sex for different reasons.

Take this short scene from Float Plan by Trish Doller for example.

I shift, straddling his lap to face him, kissing his mouth as I telegraph the message with my hips that I want him. “Doesn’t need to have a name right now.”

“No.” This time his laugh has a sexy, wicked edge and his lips are against my neck when he says, “No, it does not.”

There are other boats in the harbor, but the boom tarp is low enough that we don’t bother going down into the cabin. Keane rolls on a condom and I take off my bikini bottoms. No foreplay. No sweet words. Just need against need, fast, hard, and gasping. And when it’s over, I press soft kisses all over his face and whisper with each one that I love him.

It’s hardly graphic at all. The author gives the reader enough information to imagine the scene themselves and ends the scene with an emotional high.

The Long Game by Rachel Reid

On the other end of the spectrum, the scene with Shane and Ilya is highly graphic. Here’s a snippet from the end of the scene that shows a similar emotional beat as Float Plan but with more physical details.

They kissed for a while, then Ilya continued cleaning his boyfriend. He used a new cloth for his chest and throat, then another for his dick, thighs, and ass. He took his time with Shane’s ass, since Shane seemed to find the attention to his sensitive flesh soothing. Ilya gently swiped the warm cloth over his slightly swollen entrance more times than was necessary, watching his boyfriend smile and shiver happily.

“You are so beautiful,” Ilya said.

The two scenes both end with similar emotional beats where the emphasis is placed on how connected the characters’ feel to their partners, but the detail to which the authors describe the physical aspects of sex differ greatly.

Make sure your scene is true to the characters.

We discussed that a sex scene needs to be included for a reason. Similarly, the scene has to reflect your characters. If your scene is going to stand out—like the trophy room scene in The Long Game—it can’t be a generic sex scene. How do you avoid that? By making sure everything that happens is in line with what your characters would choose to do.

What makes the trophy room scene so iconic to the hockey romance world (Don’t worry if you haven’t read it! It’s not essential for understanding this blog post, but I do recommend it.), is that it really digs into where the characters are emotionally and pushes gently at their boundaries. In their relationship and in their sex life, sometimes, Shane likes to let go and let Ilya lead. In this moment, Ilya knows what Shane needs—which is to be reminded of his accomplishments and how important he is to the world of hockey. Hence, sex in the trophy room.

In the scene, Ilya fucks Shane in his trophy room and Ilya’s dirty talk features both Shane’s accomplishments and his trophies, and how Ilya feels about Shane. The idea that one person needs to be comforted, cared for, and given a boost in self-esteem is pretty common. It’s not unique to Shane and Ilya at all. However, what is unique to them is their status in the hockey world and Ilya’s desire to take back control of how their relationship interacts with their careers before they have to face the NHL commissioner after they’ve been outed.

There are certainly other ways Ilya could have shown Shane that he matters to hockey and that regardless of what the world thinks of their relationship, their love is true and unyielding. But it wouldn’t really be Ilya and Shane if part of the way Ilya comforted Shane wasn’t a bit kinky.

So think about your characters.

What’s unique to them? How do they show affection in a non-sexual setting? How do they interact with each other in public? Decide on what parts of their public relationship would be brought into the bedroom (or trophy room) and what kinds of behaviours they keep specially for their private moments. Think about how they merge.

For example, if your character is a comedian who makes everything into a joke, would the sex they have be a hundred percent serious and emotional? Would it make sense for them to also joke in the bedroom sometimes?

Decide where you fall on the spectrum from fantasy to realism.

Real sex is messy. People have hard discussions about contraception, STIs etc. However, not all characters in romance novels do. In romance novels, you’re going to find that most penises are very large, most vaginas are amazing self-lubricators, and no one has any kind of digestive issues that would make anal sex messy, so there’s an element of fantasy involved.

Romance novels tend to be read for wish fulfillment and to bring the reader happiness. This is why you sometimes see people talking about “Romance Novel Rules,” where characters don’t need to worry about STIs. The level of realism or fantasy involved in a book varies from book to book, so you have to decide where yours falls on the spectrum from realism to fantasy.

What makes sense for your book?

Soul Eater by Lily Mayne

This will depend on the subgenre of book you’re writing, as well as its tone. If you’re writing a book with a light, cozy tone, maybe romance rules apply more strongly than if you’re writing a romance that delves into the reality of what it means to fall in love as a sex worker. Of course, if you’re writing a monster romance like Soul Eater by Lily Mayne, maybe your characters don’t even need to worry about STIs.

Another factor that might affect how messy sex is for your characters is the characters themselves. For example, do your characters have any insecurities that would show up in a sex scene? How would they manifest? Or would that go against the grain of the fantasies mentioned above?

There’s no right or wrong answer for how realistic you make your book or how much you play into your readers’ fantasy. (Though if you’re curious about my opinions on the portrayal of safe sex in romance novels, you can check that out here.)

You can pretty much make anything work if there are character and plot reasons for it. Just make sure that the tone of the book aligns with your choice.

In conclusion…

Understanding your comfort level of writing a sex scene and how your characters would have sex are both important. Once you know both how detailed you want to get and how much real-life messiness is going to invade the bedroom, you can get stuck into the scene itself.

Once you’re in the scene, remember to think about what makes your characters unique and how that applies to what they do in the bedroom. Don’t forget that not all thrusts are created equal, and though you need to describe enough of the choreography that your reader can imagine what’s happening, you should spend more time on the moments that have emotional weight for your characters.

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