Swearing in Romance Novels
Photo by Oleg Ivanov on Unsplash.
I recently read a book where a man called a woman a bitch. It made me uncomfortable.
But I also use the word bitch sometimes, so I asked a friend why it felt different for us to say bitch compared to when that fictional man had, which led to a conversation about swearing and vulgarity in general. When is swearing offensive and why? And what place do swear words have in romance novels?
Whether there are curse words in a romance novel often depends on how explicit the book’s sex scenes are. For example, an open-door romance might have curse words as stand-ins for medically accurate terms, like penis and vagina. However, that’s not always the case. Alexis Hall’s Boyfriend Material uses swear words, but there are no explicit sex scenes in the novel.
I’m not going to tell you whether you should or shouldn’t put swear words in your book. That’s one hundred percent your decision. But I do want to explore why cursing can sometimes make readers feel uncomfortable and other times, it doesn’t.
Fun fact: I studied applied linguistics in university, which is basically a branch of socio-linguistics, so this topic is one I love exploring.
Why do swear words feel okay sometimes but not always?
I’m going to talk about three considerations that influence how people perceive swear words and then discuss cursing in open-door romance novels.
1. Culture
First, it’s important to note that what counts as a swear word is cultural. For example there are words in Canadian French that are taboo that are not in France French. Canadian French swear words tend to be related to the church, and so sacred objects like tabernacle are considered highly offensive. If you used this word outside of a religious context in France, however, the person you’re with might look at you funny, but they won’t be offended. Their swear words tend more toward bodily functions and sex (much like in English). For example, merde (shit) and putain (whore) are common.
While there are similar cultural differences between North American English and British English, our swear words tend to be the same, but the severity of them differs. For example, cunt is highly offence in North America and rarely heard, but in the UK and Australia, it’s fairly common. Of course, neither North America nor the UK is a monolith, and within those geographical regions, you have a ton of variety and cultural differences. For one person or community, saying damn is pretty offensive; while for another, saying fuck is just part of their everyday vocabulary.
You can also find these cultural divides within the subgenres of romance novels. For example, in a sweet/clean romance, you might not find as much swearing, because the focus is on the positive emotions. And there are many religious subgenres in sweet/clean romances, which tend to veer toward clean language as well. However, in a dark romance, you’ll find a lot more swearing, because the themes explored have to do with violence, kinks, and trauma.
How swear words land will depend on the culture you’re from, the subgenres you read, and your expectations of how people speak. That can and will be different from person to person and book to book.
The Takeaway:
Consider your reader’s cultural background and expectations when deciding the level of cursing you include in your book.
2. The Speaker
Who’s talking matters. This doesn’t tell you everything, but it does affect the way words are perceived.
A six-foot cis man calling someone a bitch is inherently more violent than a five-foot cis woman calling someone a bitch. Both people can have the same amount of vehemence and threat, but one is more likely to be physically violent. The cis man has both his size, his gender, and more power on his side that can intimidate whomever he’s speaking to than the woman.
Does this mean that because I’m a five-foot woman, if I call someone a bitch, it’s absolutely okay, no questions asked? No. I still have the power to hurt people with my words or threaten them just as much as any other person. The difference is that I do not have the physicality or power that a cis man does. When I say in outrage, “You bitch!” the person I’m saying it to likely won’t fear I’ll be violent.
This holds true in fiction as well. When a character who has power over another or is physically larger than another calls someone a name, there’s more of a threat of violence.
The Takeaway:
When deciding what swear words to include in your novel, consider who is using the curse words. How do aspects of their identity change the way a person (the character they’re speaking to or the reader) interprets the words?
3. Context
Context is key because it encompasses culture, who is speaking, and the situation. Context dictates whether the swear word was used in anger, in frustration, in jest, or sexually. It also shows the level of threat to any given person because it is all those things together that make up a person’s perception of a situation.
Let’s take a look at two different situations.
The first:
A cis man is angry that a friend of a friend discovered him hiring a sex worker and told his girlfriend. He’s retelling the story to his male friends. He continually refers to the friend of a friend, a woman, who caught him cheating as “that bitch.”
He says, “That bitch just had to go and tell Cynthia.”
The second:
A cis woman is reading her book when her cat bats at the half full water glass on the table next to her. She picks the cat up and puts it down on the ground. She gets back into her book. There’s a crash. The cat has knocked over the water glass and is staring her right in the eyes.
“What a bitch,” the woman says.
In the first situation, the man has reduced the woman he’s talking about to a dog. He does not have any regard for her at all. She doesn’t even get a name. He knows it, but he doesn’t use it. She has slighted him, and thus, she is a bitch. It’s her only trait.
In the second, a woman is being annoyed by her cat, who she calls a bitch. The difference is that she says this to the cat’s face. (Yes, I know it’s a cat and cannot reply, but imagine it was her sister. The same principle applies.) Here, the person is being spoken to and not about. And the phrase “what a bitch” implies that being a bitch is a transient state that anyone can enter into regardless of gender.
The Takeaway:
Consider the context when a character calls someone else a swear word. Are they reducing someone to a body part or an animal? Are they using it to denote a state of being? What does that say about the character?
Note: There’s no consensus on whether someone saying “what a bitch” or using bitch as a friendly greeting (as in, “Hey, bitch!”) is okay. Like the word queer, different people from different communities will see the word differently. The point is to consider the context to make sure you know how your characters might be perceived by both your readers and other characters.
4. Sex Scenes
Photo by Deon Black on Unsplash.
Open-door romance novels often use swear words in sex scenes. This context is completely different from the other situations I’ve mentioned so far.
Sex is already seen as vulgar in our society. (This is a generalization, but it’s historically true in Christian places, and that history continues to impact us today.) However, swear words and phrases that can be used for name calling or to express negative emotions become neutral and, in some cases, good.
Words for body parts become neutral. Instead of reducing people to body parts, using words like dick or pussy is simply descriptive. In public, calling someone a pussy is a derogatory way of signifying they’re weak. (I won’t get into how strong vaginas are—that’s another monologue—but you get my drift.) In private, a pussy is simply part of someone’s body, often a holy piece of their anatomy.
Phrases that are rude or express disappointment become intimate. In public, “fuck me,” is used to express disappointment or being upset. In private, it’s a plea or a command. Same with “suck my dick.”
The Takeaway:
The sexiness of swear words doesn’t exist in a vacuum, and it’s important to consider your characters’ cultural upbringing and personality, as well as the level of trust between partners and the context of the scene when bringing curse words into a sex scene.
In conclusion, how people perceive cursing is complex.
There are many factors to consider when deciding the language your characters use. I always advise my clients to think about what feels right for the character when writing the first draft. Then, when revising, start thinking about the culture your characters grew up in, who’s speaking, the context of the situation, and what your readers will expect from your book.
What do you think? Are there any factors I missed? Let me know in the comments.