Why We Need More Asexuality in Romance
Does this sound like an oxymoron to you? What business do asexual people have reading, writing, or appearing in romance? Lots!
Don’t worry if this is a topic you’ve never thought about. I’ll bring you through what asexuality is, why asexuals—or aces—read romance novels, and why we should be portraying asexual people in romance novels.
What is asexuality?
Image by trollhare on Flickr
This is a loaded question. But let’s start simple and add complexity as we go. The Oxford English Dictionary states asexuality is “The state or quality of having no sexual feelings or desires, or of being sexually attracted to no one.”
At a very basic level, yes, this is what asexuality is. Asexual people tend to not feel sexual attraction to other people, but the word asexual actually encompasses a huge spectrum of experiences and feelings.
There are people who are sex-repulsed and find the idea of sex unpleasant; there are people who like to masturbate but don’t feel any desire to have sex with other people; there are people who feel sexual desire for other people rarely but do want to have sex with those people; there are people who need to have a deep emotional connection before they feel sexual desire. And there are a lot of different terms to encompass those experience! (But we’re not going to get into that now.)
It's so complex that if you’re curious, you could read a whole book on the topic! I’d absolutely recommend the book Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex by Angela Chen if you like academic non-fiction.
What’s important to know is that feeling a lack of sexual desire for others does not at all mean you don’t feel romantic attraction. This further complicates things because for most people who feel sexual desire (called allosexuals), what differentiates romantic attraction from platonic friendship is the sexual desire. That’s not the case for people who are asexual. And when we separate the two, you also have to acknowledge people who are aromantic, or don’t experience romantic attraction. Separating romantic attraction from sexual attraction can get messy when you don’t generally experience one or both of those.
For example, when I was in my early twenties, I had a close friend with whom I did everything. I told another friend, “I don’t know if I’m in love with him.” She replied, “It’s simple. Do you want to kiss him?”
But the answer wasn’t that simple for me. Could I have seen myself kissing him? Yeah. Maybe even enjoying kissing him? Sure. Did I want to kiss him deep in my bones? Not at all. There was no pressing urge or need to do that. That wasn’t the point of our connection. The complicating factor is that I had felt strong sexual desire before but only for two other people. So was I in love with him? I still don’t know.
A more hilarious example would be when I was talking about a hockey player with my friend. I sent her a photo of Gabriel Landeskog. Her response was, “I’d climb him like a tree!🥵” To which, I thought, “I guess I’d probably have to if I wanted to talk to him since he’s so tall.” (I’m five foot nothing and he’s over six feet.) Yes, he’s beautiful, but I wouldn’t have even thought twice about him except that he seems like a good hockey captain and dad. I want to want him, but mostly, I think he seems really sweet and would love to chat with him about his job.
Asexuality seems to be pretty rare, with only 1.7% of people surveyed identifying as ace, according to UCLA. However, it’s not something that people have been talking about for long, so people don’t have the words to describe their sexuality when it comes to the ace spectrum. What we do know, is that it is a real sexual orientation.
And as a queer, ace romance editor, I believe we should be talking about asexuality in this genre.
What does asexuality have to do with romance novels?
So if asexuality is rare and many aces don’t experience sexual desire, why would they be a potential audience for romance novels and why should we care? As I mentioned before, just because someone doesn’t desire sex, it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t want romance. There’s something profound about finding someone who understands you on the deep level that’s shown in romance novels, which doesn’t preclude ace (or even aros—aromantic people) from wanting that, too.
The genre of romance is vast. Steamy romances (which are romances with graphic sex scenes) are mainstream and popular these days, but for those who don’t want to read sexual content, there are many romance novels that don’t contain any sex (often called proper or clean romances) or that only have implied sexual content (called closed-door romances). It’s also possible to love the steamy romances even if you don’t want to have sex with anyone yourself. What people sometimes forget is that a good steamy romance’s sex scenes coincide with emotional beats in the relationship.
Not every moment of life is described in a book, and even in a steamy romance, the characters will have sex “off screen.” Why? Because the point of the book is not solely to titillate. The point is to show the arc of a relationship—which sometimes includes sex.
Romance novels sometimes include sex, and sometimes, they don’t. It’s the same with people who identify as asexual. Sex might be a part of their life for a multitude of reasons even if sexual desire isn’t nearly as prevalent in their lives as it is in other people’s. Romance and sex are linked but they are not the same. Thinking the genre of romance isn’t for asexual people is pretty reductive if we look at it that way.
Why should there be more asexual characters in romance?
For the same reason there should be more queer and BIPOC characters in romance novels! The breadth of the human experience is incredible and deserves to be represented in fiction.
A topic I love to see explored in fiction is how there’s no one way to be queer. Everyone deserves love, and what that looks like can be so different. The status quo doesn’t make sense for everyone. Exploring these ideas in fiction makes it easier for people to find their way in the world. Some questions I’d love to explored more are: What does commitment and romance look like for someone who doesn’t want to engage in sex? What about someone who doesn’t feel romantic attraction?
The Western world is set up for a typical nuclear family with a mother, a father, and children. It’s a dual-income setup where the partners divide labour, finances, and housing. Queer lives are accepted and easier to navigate if they fit into this mould—which is the case for some people and but not for all. Life can be harder to navigate for those who don’t fit.
Loveless by Alice Oseman.
There aren’t many options if you don’t fit into the societal norm because structural change is slow. Centuries of doing things one way is hard to undo, and it’s difficult to make the point that it should change when it benefits the majority of people. Those people may not even think about how what works for them is detrimental to others.
Showing people living different lives that make them happy in fiction goes a long way to build empathy for people who don’t understand, and it affirms people who keep trying to fit themselves into a life that doesn’t work for them.
For example, if I’d read the book Loveless by Alice Oseman when I was in high school or university, I probably would have been able to explain to my friend why I was confused about whether I was in love with our other friend. I would have understood that my difference was just that: a difference. I wouldn’t wonder why I found the idea of a one-night stand horrific when some of my friends were super into it or wonder if something was wrong with me for that. I wouldn’t have been so ashamed about not being interested in this thing that everyone else seemed to believe was essential. I wouldn’t have believed I was immature or that I didn’t understand adult relationships. I would know that the way I am is fine. That I do, in fact, understand most of the range of emotions when it comes to sexuality.
There are things I don’t understand. For example, the idea that people can look at a stranger and be like, “Yeah, I’d do them,” is really weird to me. I can see attractiveness. I can see potential kindness, but I don’t feel sexual desire based on someone’s appearance.
Having models for different ways to live makes life so much easier to navigate.
Conclusion
Romance novels are amazing. They’re all about fantasy and desires; they’re generally written for women by women; and they drive the best-selling genre, so why not make them even better by increasing diversity within the genre?
Asexuality isn’t that well known in the mainstream, and much like most things queer, people are learning more about it as they’re able to express their feelings with less fear. It’s time for romance to include more ace and aro characters. It might change some aspects of the genre or become a subgenre of its own, but romance does not always mean sex. Romance can be something deep and committed without the sexual component. Readers who experience this deserve to see that shown in romance novels.
How much had you thought about asexuality before today? Do you identify with any of my life experiences?
Let me know on Instagram! (It’s where I hang out the most.)