What place does safe sex have in romance novels?
Recently in an online forum I’m a part of, there was a discussion about safe sex being portrayed in romance novels. This is a topic I’m extremely interested in, so I wanted to watch it unfold.
What I gathered was that most people (in that online space at least) came to romance novels for fantasy fulfillment and preferred to assume “romance rules” applied—meaning STIs don’t exist and either everyone is on birth control or unplanned pregnancies are not a reality. I didn’t see too many people on the side of putting safe sex practices on page.
This confused me because I appreciate when condoms, birth control, or STI testing is mentioned in romance novels. To me, it’s a perfectly normal thing to include, and I think it’s pretty sexy to have a partner who cares enough to have a conversation about safe sex.
So let’s talk about seeing safe sex practices on page and what that means for fantasy fulfillment and sexiness. Because I’m a firm believer that there is a place for safe sex in romance, but I understand that sometimes it’s not something people want to have to deal with.
Photo by Lovense Toys on Unsplash
Where does safe sex fit into our everyday lives?
Before we dive into the world of romance novels, it’s important to take stock of where we’re at in society with safe sex. The honest answer is: It varies.
What’s considered common knowledge varies across cultures. And as I mentioned in my post about swearing [link], when we talk about cultural variability, we’re talking about more than just country-to-country variability. There are many cultures within a country, and it’s unfair to assume that everyone comes to a piece of media with the same background.
Safe sex may be a given for some people and it may not for others. I happen to live in Canada, which many people would say has decent sex ed curricula. However, according to Action Canada for Sexual Health Rights, sex ed in Canada doesn’t meet the current standards for human rights on sex education. Each province sets its own curriculum for sex education, and Ontario specifically reverted to its 1998 curriculum instead of using the 2015 curriculum in 2018.
This variability in sex education standards is the same across the United States, which has fewer standards to adhere to. In some states, they still teach abstinence only sex education, which has been proven to help no one.
The variation in sex ed standards across North America alone tells us that people do not come to romance novels with the same amount of knowledge when it comes to safe sex practices. This doesn’t mean it’s the job of romance novelists to education people on safe sex practices, but it’s important to be aware of this fact.
What does fantasy mean in romance novels?
Fantasy in romance novels and when we talk about sex is different from the fantasy seen in the genre of fantasy. That may seem obvious on its face, but fantasy when it comes to sex can be subtle and it’s important for us to understand that when we go into fiction.
Yes, there are romance novels that feature the fantasy genre, and the characters are more likely to encounter anatomy that doesn’t exist in our world. That’s much easier to distinguish from reality than a contemporary romance fantasy. In a contemporary romance, the fantasy may be that the main character’s partner knows exactly what they need when they need it and provides it to them. That’s something desirable that isn’t always attainable. It would be nice for our partners to read our minds, but often, our partner may be able to tell that something is wrong but not how to fix it. That’s okay.
And by “that” I mean all of it. It’s okay to wish your partner could read your mind. It’s okay to read books where that’s a reality and the main character is completely taken care of. It’s okay that this doesn’t happen in reality. But it’s not outside the realm of possibility that someone could guess what we need. It’s just not possible for it happen all the time reliably.
Generally, people are pretty good at distinguishing between fantasy and reality. We know when something doesn’t mirror reality exactly. However, that implies that we have a baseline for what reality is and that everyone’s reality is the same. Someone who grew up in an abusive household might find some behaviours normal when wider norms would suggest that they are not. That means that person’s fantasy and reality will look different from mine.
This is not to say that romance novels must be teaching tools. They definitely are not. However, understanding that each person’s medial literacy will be different is something you might want to consider as an author when you write romantic fantasies.
How does fantasy apply to safe sex?
Knowing what we know about fantasy in romance being more subtle than in other genres, let’s think about how this applies to the discussion of safe sex. Where I’m from, safe sex is drilled into us (haha) in high school. In fact, that was the focus of the sex ed curriculum when I was in school. You’d think sex was something scary that you needed to be protected for. There’s no discussion of pleasure or healthy partnership. Is that what your sex education was like?
With that background, I can understand why people are into the fantasy of not having to have safe sex discussions. It’s not being taught as a normal, caring, sexy part of a relationship. It’s being taught as an ordeal you have to go through before you can get to the good part. So I get it. Being able to remove that stress from the situation makes it easier to enjoy the sex scene itself.
There’s also the argument that these kinds of conversations about safe sex don’t usually come up in the throws of passion and are discussed earlier, so to shoehorn them into a sex scene feels awkward and unrealistic as well as breaking the flow of the scene, which means that the fantasy element is being able to have a flowing sex scene focused wholly on pleasure.
And romance novels aren’t the only place we see the passion of the moment given precedence over the more hygienic/routine realities of sex. In movies, people are likely to enter a home, start making out passionately until they get to whatever surface they’ve chosen, and proceed directly to orgasms. Everything is smooth—unless they knock something over in their passion—and each escalation flows into the other. In porn, it’s similar in that they often skip directly to whatever act is the focus of the video quite quickly. You may have some kissing in the lead up, but often, there’s a jump cut to intercourse.
There’s nothing wrong with this. It’s fantasy, and most adults are able to discern which is which. However, none of these scenarios—including the clinical sex ed space—model the messy middle of reality.
Can safe sex in romance novels be sexy?
Yes! (I bet you’re not surprised by my stance here.) I love the messy middle where realities collide. There’s not enough discussion about how clinical sex ed (if you get it) and the fantasy of media intersect, and they should! Sex should be pleasurable and fun, and all partners should be thinking about the safety of all participants. Why not model this in romance novels? What’s sexier than your partner showing the care and intimacy of checking in and making sure everyone’s on the same page?
I’m not arguing for romance novels to be sex education tools. I don’t expect a character in a novel to stop what they’re doing to explain that they need to pinch the top of the condom to make sure there’s space for the ejaculate. That’s not what we’re talking about. We’re talking about the normalized mention of condoms, birth control, PrEP, dental dams, gloves, lube, etc.
An example of how that might appear in a book is that condoms are mentioned and used by the characters, but the characters don’t take a lot of time to discuss them. Take the scene below:
The condom wrapper crinkled as Tim opened it. “Wow,” he said. “Why is a guy going home to his family so prepared to have sex?”
Oliver snorted. As if he had ever been going to see his family tonight. “Mmm,” he responded, reaching for Tim and guiding his hands to his dick. Tim stroked him once before rolling the condom on.
“Come on,” Tim groaned. “What the fuck are you waiting for?”
In this scene, the condom’s not a big deal. There’s no song and dance about it. It’s just there, an accepted part of the process, and it doesn’t take away from what’s happening in the sex scene itself.
Here’s a scene from a book I love (The Long Game by Rachel Reid) that features an established couple in a monogamous relationship where using a condom is sometimes part of their routine but not always, and so it’s a discussion.
“How do you want it?”
“Now,” Shane said.
Ilya grunted. “Condom?” They rarely used them anymore, but sometimes Shane preferred them for easy cleanup.
“Fuck no. Come on.”
Ilya taking a moment to ask Shane if he wants to use a condom this time shows consideration for him. The fact that he didn’t assume not only shows that Ilya is thinking about his partner’s preferences, it also shows that there’s enough intimacy and trust in the relationship that if Shane were to say yes, it wouldn’t break the moment. Sure, maybe it would delay them or break the rhythm they have, but they trust that they would find their rhythm again.
Of course, there’s more to safe sex than condoms, and I actually do see condoms used quite a lot in romance novels these days! I love that! I’d love to see more discussion about STIs or PrEP. Because it’s not as a normal practice to include in romance novels, it might take some creative thinking and practice to get it right, but I believe that seeing these kinds of conversations shown on page in books where pleasure is prioritized would make those discussions in real life less stressful.
Photo by Reproductive Health Supplies Coalition on Unsplash
The future of safe sex in romance novels
There’s a place for all kinds of sex in romance! That’s something I love about the genre. There’s so much variety within the umbrella term of romance. There’s a place for super kinky sex. There’s a place for dark, non-con fantasies. There’s also a place for safe sex.
Safe sex is important in real life. There’s no doubt about that. Talking about safe sex be messy and awkward sometimes, but so can sex in general! It can also be sexy and romantic both in a book and in real life, so let’s write it in. Let’s give people the fantasy of a caring, thoughtful partner who’s concerned about both your safety and your pleasure to bridge the gap between clinical safe sex and the fantasy of hedonistic pleasure.
You can bet if you work with me, I’ll ask you about the choices you make in your sex scenes. You always have one hundred percent control. I will never take that away from you, but I will make sure you’ve thought through your choices.
So where do you fall on the scale from realism to fantasy in your romance novels? Is safe sex a part of the fantasy for you? Let me know in the comments!